Hello

My Story

I started my fitness journey when I was about 17 and it was for the sole purpose of vanity. I had been told my whole life that in order for a "male to want you" I would need to have a bigger butt and bigger boobs. I didn't want a boob job, so I figured I'd at least try for the butt. That's when I found the fitness community on the internet, women telling me over and over again how to grow my glutes, what they ate in a day, and unknowingly making me lose self confidence. I became obsessed, overworked, focused too much on what I was eating, felt guilt and shame about anything I deemed "unhealthy", and obsessed only about the results I was seeing or not seeing. I was punishing myself  for not being enough. This was not fulfilling- and more importantly- I was still repeating unhealthy, potentially dangerous, patterns in the other aspects of my life.

This obsession came at a time when I was already starting to feel purposeless, lost, anxious, and depressed. Binge drinking which led to emotional outbursts which led to self destructive or dangerous behavior. Over and over again I would repeat this pattern saying "this is the last time" or telling myself "to get control" or quit drinking all together. YEARS this went on, but I also told myself I was young and this is just how young people are. I think what I was really telling myself was "you deserve this, there is no point". 

 But, with time these negative patterns began to feel more consuming, the feelings I was carrying around became more loud, and I really began to feel like I no longer wanted to be here. I knew my life was good, that I was loved, and that in reality there was nothing "wrong" with my life. But, knowing all of that only brought upon a new layer of anxiety in the form of shame. If I can't even be happy when things are good, how will I ever deal with the hard stuff? Am I even capable of being a person with purpose? I had no sense of belonging in my body. 

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So yes, that showed up as obsessing over food on how my body looked, and on paper I was working out and taking care of my body. But, by night I was in shambles. I was unhealthy mentally and physically. I suffered with chronic pain that I didn't address. My relationships didn't feel fulfilling and I always let my lack of self worth deter me from ever setting boundaries or advocating for myself with others. Time goes on and on and then- the pandemic hits and like everyone else's my life halted. My fears and anxiety exaggerated and without any sense of purpose I may have found in a career, there was nothing to do but drink. 

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I was low, I was already low, but now I was buried underneath my own being. Gone. But, I wasn't ready to give up on myself. I sought out podcast after podcast, programs that were cheap and accessible, I found every guru to follow, I read books upon books. I was not ready to give up on myself. I knew that with every bad feeling I had about myself there was all of the good that was hiding behind it. I started trying to be more gentle with myself, I journaled, and finally I joined a spiritual group mentorship with a friend from college. In there I saw the true value of guidance, accountability, and companionship.

I did the work- the dark shadowy work. I spent time with my inner child. I found my purpose. I then had the confidence to follow my intuition- the voice of my inner knowing that was trying to guide me, but that I lacked the confidence to listen to. It was listening to my intuition, my own inner wisdom, that truly set me down the right path. It was not all of the podcasts, though they gave me the knowledge to base my self discoveries in, it was in my own self-guided approach to heath, mental well being, eating, and living where the true healing occurred.  That's when I realized- everyone knows exactly what to do to heal and live truly fulfilling lives, they just lack the confidence, safe space, and guides to help them along the way.  It was then I changed my career path and enthusiastically signed up to get  my Personal Training Certification. I knew right away that this is my purpose. After I passed my test I was hungry to expand my offerings and signed up for the Institute for Integrative Nutrition to become an certified Health Coach. I am sure this fire in me will lead me to more and more knowledge, degrees, and certifications.

So, here I am, having done the work for years- finding sustainability in my exercise and food patterns by using them as medicine not punishment, knowing with sincerity my worth, feeling an endless sense of inner peace available to me should I need it or if it just feels right, knowing full well I am capable of and ready to help people go on their journey to joy as is my purpose to do so.